A Space of My Own 我的空间

Hue Wen shared this song on Facebook today and tagged me.

I remember my first encounter with this song. It was from the album produced by 小羊诗歌, in which has many nice songs that I really liked. A fresh change from Stream of Praise at that time. And I like this song because it brims with hopefulness. Also, it reminds me of Charissa because she introduced this song to the church when she led worship.

I guess I was more or less influenced by this song when I composed 凡事都能做. It was my one and only composed worship song which has been brought out in public, although only for a while. I still remember that day when the church choir sang it. I was in Singapore, but they were singing it in Tampin. Because of this event, the song also reminded me of Mummy and Charissa. Mummy video-recorded the choir singing it and posted it on her Multiply album. Charissa msn-d me about it, and even sent me voice clips singing the chorus of the song. I saved those voice-clips and they are still with me in this laptop. I am very thankful I did, and am thankful that even if my song has not been used for too many things, God was graceful enough to let it contain memories of love for Mummy and Charissa.

Back in those days Philippians 4:13 was my favorite verse. I haven’t been claiming it a lot now though. Been tired, and in turmoil, struggling over certain things. Complacency has taken over me. Today pastor preached that there is not much time left. Every second has to be converted to eternity. I pray that I should do that conversion wisely, starting even now. I pray that I will be able to do this, for Philippians 4:13 says ‘I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength’.

I still believe in Philippians 4:13. I pray that it will be seen through my life.

I generally do not loathe writing reports. It is at most, lots of tedious formatting, sentence-generating, referencing, table-designing and graph-sizing; but it requires no creativity on my part (unlike writing Phoenix articles), or too much thinking/programming. So my right brain could be dead and tired, but my left brain will churn things out. Of course there are a lot of tricky things like tenses (I always get them mixed up), and the need to vary your words a bit so that the same verb/term which is not a technical term does not appear in 30-50% of your report, and cause whoever is reading it to get turned off (at least I’m the type that does). I had lots of training in the past few semesters since I’m mainly in-charge of writing for almost all my group projects.

However, I do not like doing it within a stipulated time-limit, especially when I have less than 5 days to write, edit and print (including work-days). Thank God my professor doesn’t like ultra-long and detailed reports, and asked us to stick within 30-50 pages, which is the length of my usual lab reports, and hence, is very much manageable. 🙂 Am grateful to Nick for his report skeleton too (though the content has totally nothing to do with mine). At least I do not have to wreck my brains thinking out the cover page formatting from scratch, and fear that I have forgotten any formatting details or report sections.

These two days I shall exhibit in full blast all my report-writing capabilities, and hopefully by Tuesday night, it shall be over. 🙂

Counting down 4 days plus plus to complete my report! It’s really rushed, but it’s a kind of rush that makes me ‘high’ (at least for now).

Our last FYP consultation meeting is just over today, and this is here’s a pic of Mei and myself with our mentor Bevan. I don’t know how to resize the picture, so this looks weird. Anyway, you can see all of us in it. We were really very fortunate to get Bevan as a mentor. He’s very patient in explaining things, doesn’t push/stress us out, provides us with literature info as best as he could; and most importantly, I know he did not just help us because we were involved in his project. I really appreciated the fact that he was very mindful of our interests as FYP students, and I learned a lot from this project.

After this half-year FYP experience, I shall take a leaf from his book and be more patient with others (no matter what the issue is). Yes. I shall even try to be patient with the 183 bus driver who literally makes the bus crawl on Clementi’s road on my way to work, getting stuck at all the red lights when it’s already all jammed up, and making me nearly miss the shuttle bus to work. Maybe when this happens to me again, I’ll just think of how patient Bevan was when I asked him near-elementary questions, and I’ll tolerate the poor bus driver more.

FYP would have been so different without Mei too. We’re the type that like to rant together! And it’s fun to have someone else under the same professor and mentor instead of being on my own. Now Mei is working in MSD South and I’m in MSD West. So we somewhat have another common topic to talk about when we see each other.

We didn’t really have much actual meet-ups with our Professor, but what I like about him is that he tries his best to help and get us interested in the project, and believes the best there are in people. In fact he has more confidence in us than we have in ourselves. Usually when this happens, I will think that this is because ‘he hasn’t seen our report yet’, which may be true. But this time I shall take it a different way, and learn to have more confidence in what I can do too. 🙂 I tried adopting this mindset in my work place and it seems to have put me in brighter spirits.

So now I shall try not to have such a phobia of new and ‘difficult’ stuff, and learn to make the most of what I have! And now I’ll have to somehow churn out a beautiful report for the little data I have. 🙂 All the best to other FYP students too!

I am not supposed to blog about anything regarding the work I’m doing so I shall omit all names and not mention the nature of my work (which I haven’t really started doing yet). Will just share the overall feeling of what this place gives me.

I had my first day in MSD-South (or Merck) for orientation. It was a very well-planned orientation and I was very happy when they highlighted Merck’s value systems, and emphasized it’s importance to us. ‘Values’ of giving only the best to the people (Merck is a pharmaceutical company), are more important than ‘skills’, which many other companies pay more attention to. The Merck organization is extremely value-driven since it’s founding, and I feel proud to be a part of it, even though I’m just an intern.

Some people get the kick out of their job because it’s challenging and they excel in it. My satisfaction from this job comes from the fact that I know the whole organization is encouraged to pull together to help people, not just for profits and fame.

Another thing I like about Merck is it’s cafeteria. Free salad on Mondays, free fruits and drinks everyday! Free drinks in the pantry too. And the food is NICE and inexpensive. Too bad I won’t be eating there everyday haha. I haven’t really tried much of SP’s canteen food yet, but it is a bit more expensive than Merck.

The employees in both Merck and SP are very kind and friendly. I made friends with a few new employees on contract basis who underwent the same orientation as me, and were around my age. They have been around since June though, and are more familiar with the place. Hence, when I was in SP, they baby-sitted me around when the HR assistant was not free. (I suppose they treat me as if I’m much younger because they thought I was from Polytechnic at first, and one of the uncles actually asked me if I was 16 or 17.) They showed me where the canteen and toilet were, directed me to the shuttle bus waiting area, and agreed to drop by my office for lunch because they didn’t want me eating alone, although we were working in different areas. (We couldn’t use our phones as the reception is very low, and in some places, phones are not allowed.) Even the chemists in lab took the trouble to show me around, and senior employees I was not working under voluntarily introduced themselves and asked me to approach them any time if I needed help.

I’m very thankful to be under my current supervisor too, who is very kind and approachable. When I was at the pantry this morning waiting for her arrival, one of the other colleagues in the office talked to me and said I was very lucky to be under her, as she will make sure I’d learn a lot. And judging from what the things she told me that I would be doing, I think I really will.

I finally managed to navigate around the plant I’m working in in SP today without getting lost. Everyone knows I have a bad sense of direction! It was so extreme the past two days that wherever I need to go, I had to follow someone around (or ask people). I suppose I was getting rather burdensome, especially on the HR assistant who had his own work to do. He brought the bunch of us out for lunch, and this time I managed to remember the directions to the hawker center properly. 🙂 But I guess I won’t be going out much, as canteen food is still relatively cheaper.

I’m looking forward to next week where the sequence of day-job night-FYP is going to be over! And I look forward to tomorrow as well, because on Fridays we go home half an hour earlier! 😀 The start of this internship looks promising. I hope it will end fruitfully as well.

The story wouldn’t have been interesting if it started off as ‘a swan which grew up to be a swan’. Or, a swan which knew that it was born into the midst of a bunch of ignorant ducklings, and grew up knowing that it would be a swan anyway, and was proud of itself.

It was the transformation, or more like the realization, that one day let the duckling overcome it’s former inhibitions of who it thought it was, and started to behave like a swan… and forget all things that associated itself with the ‘ugly duckling’ it once was.

One wouldn’t appreciate beauty that much, if it was something one had all along. It is through having what you once didn’t have, or once lost; that makes you appreciate what you have all the more.

I was really an ugly duckling in a particular phase of life. No, I’m not talking about looks (though I might as well be doing that too). I never knew that that phase of life affected me so much, until it was brought up today, and the mention of that topic itself was strong enough to bring tears of shame into my eyes. It was overwhelming. 

I just want to thank God for giving me a chance to break through this cocoon and transform into something new. Now the most important thing is that this chance and forgiveness is cherished, and I do not go back to what I was again.

Maybe one day, after I gain weight, I will be brave enough to share my gift of life with others. Both Jesus, and my blood! 🙂 After all we do have the responsibility to help another soul that Christ loves to live another day, so that His love could be spread too.

When I was home, I dug through my shelves for my NUS Freshmen Package to find my Freshmen Guide (a book) to NUS. It was so nostalgic. I actually still keep both my freshmen guides from UM (University Malaya) and NUS (National University of Singapore). It was funny to receive offers from both these universities at the same time, which were long time ago regarded as sister universities.

So many things have changed since I was that fresh, curious, and hopeful undergraduate-to-be. So many aspirations dulled by the not-so-charming reality. There were so many new discoveries I’ve found here, so many lessons learnt, and my insolence humbled.

I wanted to be an engineer, little knowing what an engineering course would really be like. So all my top choices were engineering. NUS offered me Chemical Engineering. UM offered me Biomedical Engineering. And NTU (Nanyang Technological University in Singapore), offered me Materials Science Engineering too. I picked NUS, more for the school rather than the course I was offered. I was alright with any course that didn’t sound like mechanics, electronics, programming, or medicine.

In Year One, I was thrown into a unknown world with seemingly unbounded freedom (I was kind of cooped in the house all the time before this, partially a result of my own choice and self-censorship). In this freedom I experienced and learned many things. There was freedom to do activities I’m interested in, to sleep as late as I like, to study as little or as much as I liked. I lost myself in this freedom, for everything seemed so important. Keeping friends, joining hall activities, bible studies, and mugging (which was rather behind the list till exams came). I lost out in the academic competition but gained lots beside. It was a tremendously exciting experience I have always cherished.

I always wondered what it would be like if I went into UM. Everything would be easier, I would have needed a loan (the price was less than half of NUS’) things would have been comfortable (albeit a slightly higher crime rate in the vicinity). It would have been so different. I could have gotten a first class degree easily, graduated respectfully, found a job with no difficulty. Being in the cream of the crop instead of consistently looking up to others and wishing I could have done better, like now.

There’s this thing called ‘the will of God’ that many of my brothers and sisters like to use, especially during some turning point of life, like choosing a university. ‘Pray that I choose a road that is God’s will for me’, we say. The will of God. And last week during Bible study, Justin touched on what is the will of God. The will of God is people be saved, sinners repent, and live sanctified lives, and people know the love of God, as well as be open to the knowledge of Jesus’ saving grace. Such is the will of God that we were searching for. It does not pitifully limit itself to the case where some young lady with an STPM certificate in hand wonders whether the ‘will of God’ is to lead her to some university where a comfortable job lies ahead and eventually she establishes herself in society in some respectful manner or other. The will of God has God in the center of it, not us.

It is by God’s grace I have gone so far, and gone through so many blessings besides. Many times I have drifted from Him in this foreign land, full of its temptations and pressing needs. I have learned to cherish time and give up things I want to do/have, but I can’t afford (same goes for shopping sprees). It is really difficult.

One of the greatest blessing here, I feel, is our Friday Bible studies, which have really challenged my heart, and kept my priorities in check. I wish I could deal better with my priorities, even now. To be brave, and to step out, and serve; as well as think about people. But I am still timid in heart, and dare not even write about an issue that I felt so against in my blog… fearing my views unfounded; and wondering what implications it might bring. But even so, our Bible study discussions have taught me the great responsibilities of being a Christian, not to see God as trivial, and to know God as He really is. The depth of the discussions is something I will never get in my Youth Fellowship at my home church – where I still feel now, improvement is wanting in this area among the youth, though many times, they have surprised and encouraged me with their demonstrations of their strong yet simple faith. One day, I pray, I will be able to be courageous enough to step up and fully live out my life for God. As for now, I still need your prayers, and I shall work towards what I want myself to be.

My internship attachment starts on July 5th, which is two weeks away. I do take time to warm up to new things, but I pray for a blessed journey ahead, where I could be God’s light in His own special way, and be a blessing to my new colleagues, as well as be a good testimony to the Lord. Yes, the harvest fields are plentiful… and though soil in some places are not as good as others, you never know where each farmer finds his own niche.

Now as my friends, and many new undergraduates to-be, just like I was, are excited about their university life, I think back about mine, as well as wonder about theirs. May they fare better in rising to challenges, knowing what things are important and which things are less. May they put God as their top priority in all they do, yielding Him all their first fruits. I have told my university stories many times enough. Now I’m awaiting for new chapters in my life to unfold, new stories to tell.